In November 2012, I was around 4 months pregnant. I know I felt like I was HUGE already, but now I'm not so sure everyone was aware that I was pregnant. I really can't remember, but anyways, it was just sinking in that we were having a baby, an actual little human being! We hadn't gotten too far into how we were going to handle me going back to work after he came, but I had crunched some numbers and at the job I had at the time, it really wasn't cost efficient for me to go back. Somewhere, deep in my heart, I was dancing around thinking "I'll get to stay home with my baby!!"
And then one of the physicians I work with approached me about a position they were re-hiring for, one that I had wanted for a long time. She felt I should apply and I immediately rushed to my desk to fill out the appropriate paperwork to hit the ground running, temporarily forgetting the fact that I was pregnant. Jump ahead a little while and I got the job. There was a pay increase, just enough to cover the cost of daycare, plus a little extra. I took the job and was able to get settled in right before Luke was born. I took off the entire amount of maternity leave I was allowed and then started the baby in daycare and went back into the workforce.
It was hard to figure out a routine. Where we once had time to fix dinner and relax after work on the back porch, we were now washing bottles, bathing babies and crashing into bed around 9:00 because that was about as far as our energy would get us. I was running to and from daycare and work and the entire Western NC region. Dillon was up at 4:30 to work until 7:00 in the evenings and we were (and are some days still) stretched thin. Many days I feel like I'm unable to give 100% to work or my family and feel like I'm doing poorly at each job.
In October, when I had my wrist surgery, I almost convinced myself not to go back to work. Actually, I had convinced myself, it was the fact I hadn't convinced everyone around me. I cried even harder going back to work at that point than I had in July.
And now, I don't know really why I'm having those feelings now. Maybe it's because Saturday, Dillon had to work and I had to care for Luke on my own. The evening before he had been super fussy so I wasn't too excited about caring for a fussy baby all on my own. But Saturday came, and he was happy. And we went shopping and had fun and I was able to clean my house while the baby napped (in his crib, for 2 hours! that NEVER happens!) and I thought about all the things that I could take care of home that never get done while I'm at work. Laundry would be done, floors cleaned, dinners made. Then today came, and Luke was sick (oh, the vomit. blech). And I worked from home and realized how difficult it is to juggle all of this. Trying to keep up with emails and feeding the baby, and then explaining the person calling that the reason there's a crying baby in the background. I thought just how easy it would be, if my complete focus could be on Luke.
BUT. (Trust me, I'm not quitting my job. I love my job. I really do!) there are aspects of working that are fulfilling. I like focusing on projects that don't involve Elmo and the cast of Sesame Street. Plus, Luke loves his daycare. He loves his teacher, he loves his friends. I take him there every day and he wriggles up and down until we go inside and then he practically jumps into Mrs. Susan's arms. Without my job, there would be no vacations, no trips to the ball parks, no big birthday parties, no extra toys for Christmas. There would be no growing on our parts to begin letting Luke have some independence. There would be little adult conversation for me, we'd have to look for all the free activities our town has to offer because we wouldn't be able to afford to do much else. Dillon's job allows us to survive, but my extra income allows us to have fun. For now, I'll practice my juggling act and be thankful that I have a great husband who's a pretty good juggler too.
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| Luke and I on Saturday... he's getting ready to walk. Whoa, boy. |
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