Babies Make Four: The Eternal Question of the Working Mama: Am I Doing the Right Thing?

I can pinpoint the time that I knew I wanted to have kids. Dillon and I got married young (both of us were around 22 & 23), and we enjoyed doing things that all young 20 somethings do. Bar hopping, hanging out with friends on the weekend, sleeping in until 9:00 or 10:00 on Saturday mornings, going to the movies. All things that babies aren't really good at. We had talked during our early years of marriage about when we wanted to have kids. We knew we did at some point, but it was a shadow off in the future and we figured around 30 would be a good time (you know, when you're getting old. Ugh, to be 21 again).

When we found out about Luke, I was working at the front desk of a medical office. A good job, but one that would barely cover the cost of daycare after Luke arrived. Our plan was for me to stay home and then when things got situated, I would look for a job with a better salary. Only, our office decided to hire for the position I'm in now, a job that I had wanted for a long time, so at 5 months pregnant I applied for the job and to my surprise, got it. The salary was bumped up enough to cover daycare so it was decided that I would go back to work. I found an awesome daycare and at 3 months old, Luke headed to "school" and I was back to work.

Those first months back were rough. Juggling all the household chores and learning to still care for a baby while trying to learn my new job just about did me in. I was exhausted most every day and what was expected from me both professionally and personally felt overwhelming. It took me about 9 months to get into the swing of things and learn how to manage the household and the job and, trust me, there were still some pretty tough days.

So I knew when we found out about Charlotte that I needed to be prepared for going back to work. The hectic schedule, dealing with phone calls, emails, sick babies, and in general running around like a chicken with its head cut off, and I've spent a good deal of my maternity leave mulling over this.

Is it the right thing to do to return to work?

And back to the beginning of the post, the time when I knew I wanted to be a mom. In early 2012, our close friends had their first baby and then a few weeks later my Grandma Estep passed away. Our friends having their first child definitely started the baby fever, but the life of my Grandma is what solidified it. At her funeral, people came to pay their respects, but it was what her family said about her that stood out the most. This woman had never worked a day outside her home, but the impact she had made on her 6 kids and the generations that followed were apparent. They talked of her food, her disciplinary skills (ha!) and most of all, how much they would miss her and how much they loved her. I then realized that when I die, no one would talk of my great work skills (She really knew how to put together a swell Excel spreadsheet!), but they would take note of how I treated other people, how my kids saw me. And I knew that I wanted that for my life.

I've thought about that a lot and the expectations that will be placed on me when I return. My boss is a very understanding woman, and has graciously looked into me returning part time. I don't know if this is going to be allowed or if it will work out, but I had to ask and see. Financially, I don't want to burden Dillon with being the sole provider and, trust me, I understand it's a labor of love for him to allow me to return only part time as we will have to watch our financials even closer (and, yes, I do say "allow" because this is a decision that both of us have to agree on since it affects our entire family). He has seen me cry over returning to work and he knows the difficulty it brings for me. But will part time work allow me the flexibility to spend more time with my children? To do the chores that are saved up for the weekend, allowing us to do fun family things on Saturday and Sunday? I'm not sure if it will allow me to do the things that I want, but I think I owe it to myself and my family to see.

Oh, the joys of being a woman.