1. Dirty House - remember when I said that I was really sad to see my mom go? Part of it was because I loved having her here. She provided company and someone to tell me that I'm doing this mom thing right. The other part was because she keeps a super clean house, and that doesn't matter if it's her house or mine. She straightened things up, cleaned floors, did laundry all while I tried to keep the baby happy. When she left, it was up to me to do these things all at the same time and honestly, there have been days where it's 11:30 in the morning and I'm still in my pajamas trying to get everything done and I just haven't had time to put on clothes. I've cleaned some, but just in my jammies and I still haven't cleaned near the amount she was able to. I try to start cleaning the floors and the baby cries. He needs to be changed or fed and it takes time and then I have to hold him for awhile. By that time it's lunchtime for me and I try to eat in between holding the baby. By the afternoon, I'm exhausted and I fall asleep and then after that Dillon gets home. I get some cleaning done but for the most, I'm lucky if it's anything. I guess this morning I looked around and just saw all the clutter and it drove me crazy. I got most of it up, but it's still a work in progress. Hopefully, tomorrow I can get more clean. It just kind of added up on me this morning and put me in a bummer mood.
2. B.P. Clothing - I think all women who have just had a baby are super excited to make it back into their clothing. When I was first pregnant, I was soooo excited about maternity clothes. New wardrobe, cute little baby bump to show off! You make it into your 7th month, you've worn every piece of maternity clothing that you own that week, and now those stretchy pants aren't fitting so well. Then the baby comes and no one really tells you what it's going to be like after. You go home still looking 8 months pregnant and then a month later you're still in those yoga pants sporting an extra 20 pounds from your B.P. weight. My shirts fit just fine, but it's the bottoms... oh that lovely behind. Somehow my pants are just a bit too snug in the hips and butt area it doesn't seem to be disappearing. Which brings us to today... Dillon got off work today early, it rained on his site so he came to the house and told me that I should go off and do some things on my own today. Shop a little bit without having to take the baby. There's a store here in town where they have nice, gently worn 2nd hand clothes. It's geared towards the younger crowd, high school-college age, but a lot of times I can find jeans and shirts that are a little more my age but still cute. I head out that way today in search of some pants that fit and maybe a few other things since I haven't been there in 10 months. I step into the store and I feel so out of place. I looked at the jeans and even the size up from what I usually wore looked way too tight. I picked out several things a little bigger to try and on and half didn't fit. I felt OLD shopping in there and I suddenly just felt like crying. I did find clothes, some pants and a dress for a good price, but it just was not a good feeling. I try not to be upset about silly things like this. In reality it doesn't matter because my body did an amazing thing but I still feel sad about it.
3. Breastfeeding - This is a super touchy subject with me. You've probably noticed in pictures of us with Luke that he's taking a bottle. You see, breastfeeding and I don't really get along. When we were taking our childbirth classes, the class on breastfeeding made me feel super anxious. There were all these things that you had to do and then in the end it may not even work out. I panicked a little, but told myself that I'm sure it would work out and not to worry. Women do it all the time so why couldn't I? So, the time came, the baby was born and I attempted to breastfeed. The lactation consultant came in at the hospital, and said I was doing just fine. They set me up with a pump to come home with and sent me on my merry way. When you research breastfeeding, you read about it hurting but, holy crap, I thought it was worst than birthing the baby. I came home and struggled with it. The baby had lost almost a pound which freaked me out that he wasn't eating enough. The combination of hormones, pain, and not knowing how much he was eating, had me on the brink. I sat on the couch, dreading the next feeding and sobbing when Dillon and my mom said "Maybe you should just consider formula." I tried using the pump from the hospital and it didn't work. One side pumped, the other didn't. I sat there, taking twice the time, getting little results. The next day I started bottle feeding and didn't go back. The baby was happy, he gained weight and the stress level went waaayy down. The only thing is, I'm reminded of my inability a lot. I don't mind friends and family asking about it, it's just curiosity, but when strangers ask it really bothers me. Most of the time I don't go into detail about why it didn't work, but with strangers I feel like I need some excuse. We went to the farmer's market in our little neighborhood today and a woman came up to me asking about the baby. How old he was, we shared stories about our babies and then the random question came up "Are you nursing?" I awkwardly said "No, it just didn't work for me" and it felt like her face fell when she heard that. I felt like she passed judgement on my choice even though I don't think she meant to, but the conversation turned awkward. I felt like the worst mother ever for not being able to explain why I didn't try harder. I didn't go to a lactation consultant, I didn't hang on for months (at least until returning to work), I just didn't "woman up" to do what's needed. Honestly, I felt like the stress far outweighed everything else. I just kept thinking that he's only this little once and I didn't want to waste precious moments stressing about it. I just wanted to enjoy HIM and not worry about if he was eating enough. So, after today, I've just decided to own it. I won't offer excuses for why I ended up not breastfeeding. My baby is growing and I'm pretty sure he's happy because I got two non-gas related smiles out of him today.
All I can say is tomorrow's another day. I've enjoyed time with my little family today and life couldn't be much better even if I can't fit into my old pants, my house is messy and I stumble along with being a new mother.
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| Luke's first baseball game! |
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| Dillon enjoys an iced chai at the farmer's market |
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| Farmer's market! You can see Luke in the little space |
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| Some photos from my phone, Luke dancing! |
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| Daddy and baby sleeping |
Katie I know lots of women didn’t breast feed. In fact I don't know any women who stuck with it. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't for whatever reason. Part of being a good parent it recognizing what you are capable of doing. If you had stuck with it yet stressed the entire time what kind of environment would Luke have been in for the past couple weeks. You guys are doing great and the best way to raise your child is the way you see fit. No one else can tell you what works best for your child. That is something you guys decide. Hang in there. Love ya lots! I bet that flea market woman didn't even have a baby. What does she know anyway? She works at a farmers market. ;) Tell her to stick to vegetables!
ReplyDeleteI like Suzanna's comment! She is a wise woman.
ReplyDeleteKatie- I just want to encourage you that breastfeeding is natural, but not always easy! With our 1st baby, Mercy, I struggled a lot in the beginning. The tears and stress that you described we my reality as well. I had to pump a number of times and bottle feed her with breastmilk. I called a lactation consultant and she gave me some in-person help, but I still struggled after that. Slowly, surely, Mercy and I got better at nursing together. But I can really relate to your feelings of inadequacy. SHe was a "gourmet baby" which the breastfeeding community coined- she sipped a bit here then napped, then was hungry again 30 minutes later, at which time she would sip a little more and then fall back asleep. rarely a full feeding, always dozing. She was a tough baby to feed. But really, eventually we got to a better place with it but it did take awhile. However, with our 2nd child, Hosanna, (I don't know if you knew we had another baby- she's 8.5 months already!) it was a totally different story. With that pregnancy, I was less concerned with giving birth than the nursing afterwards. I prayed frequently for the baby to nurse well. And, praise the Lord, she did! It was exponentially easier with her. She got a good latch almost instantly and began gulping away. Anyway, all that to say it's not just a Momma thing, it's the baby too. All babies are different. So if you have children in the future, just try to keep an open mind about nursing them because they could take to it like a champ. One thing the Lactation consultant told me that I appreciated: when I was stressing out about resorting to bottle feeding her instead of nursing her she said "The most important thing is feeding the baby. You make sure the baby is fed and we'll try again later." Of course, why didn't I realize that the most important thing was to actually nourish the baby, not whether I put her to the breast or bottle. I do think it is a blessing to breastfeed, but the most important thing is always feeding your child. -Ashley
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